It’s refreshing to know that New York is finally putting its foot down in dealing with the millions of tourists roaming the streets this summer. In an official memo from the city’s Department of Pedestrian Etiquette (we know it’s real because it’s printed on the official city stationery, heh heh) posted on the front door of an East 7th Street building, “all new residents and visitors to New York City over the age of 16 will be required to take a mandatory training session on Proper Etiquette for navigating the sidewalks and streets of the greater metropolitan area.”
Upon completing the training, the NYC DPE is further mandating an oral and practical exam on successfully and efficiently using the city sidewalks, after which passing citizens will receive the Pedestrian Permit. Failure will result in a year-long ban from entering the city.
The memo is careful to list a number of possible infractions of sidewalk etiquette, including but not limited to:
– Blocking the sidewalk or any public area in a large group or just standing like an idiot in the middle of pedestrian traffic. Also referred to as “clumping.”
– Weaving from side to side, oblivious to busy New Yorkers trying to get the hell around you.
– Sudden gestures or movements, for example: Sticking out your arm to point at something and thus smacking someone in the face who is trying to walk past. Hair flipping will also be prohibited.
– Waiting for traffic light to turn green when the road is clear and thus blocking jay-walkers.
– Excessive arm swinging or bag swinging.
– Stopping like a deer in the headlights in front of a speeding bicycle.
– Stopping on a bike path with a big group to take pictures of squirrels.
– Not responding when a New York Resident tells you to “Stop Blocking the Sidewalk and Get the Hell Out of the Way! You Moron!!!”
– Or any rude or offensive pedestrian behavior as deemed unsuitable by the NYC DPE Patrol Units whose judgment shall be final.
We can dream, can’t we?