If you are male and moving to Austin, remember to pack a mustache comb, some wax, and a lot of confidence. Bike knowledge, level of taco addiction, and density of sleeve tattoos all factor into overall coolness, but none more so than facial hair pride. If you can’t seem to cultivate luscious locks and easily sculpt them into dueling cyclones, go weird. Have conviction about that nearly invisible blonde grit stash because here, nothing determines social acceptability more than the sparkle in your eye that affirms, “I was born to have facial hair and share it with the world.”
Once you’ve embraced your itchy push broom, it is only a matter of time before the stash gets a name and possibly a spot on that sleeve you couldn’t quite afford to finish. The years spent grooming and growing only add to your popularity as you surpass a Mr. Pringles level of thickness and ascend Austin’s invisible ladder. Due to the hoards arriving daily, the longer someone’s been in Austin, the cooler people think they are. Living on top feels magical, but unfortunately this young transient city won’t admire you forever. So go out somewhere classy for a tenth Beardaversary, prepared to bid that decade long love affair farewell. Either that or watch it slowly evolve into a hairy security blanket that won’t fetch any free PBRs that aren’t already empty.