If you’re reading this, it may already be too late. When news broke that California’s Department of Public Health had halted production of Huy Fong’s legendary Sriracha sauce for the remainder of the year, our world changed. We changed, New York.
The ‘tomorrow’ we face will not be pleasant. Uncontrollable fires in the streets and subways will replace their equivalent in our mouths. Uncooked pork & chive dumplings will remain frozen through the winter. Shaky alliances will form, and enemies will be made. Worse yet, there is little any of us can do to stop it.
Well, except the people of Irwindale. They are the worst.
But the future doesn’t have to be so mild for you. The hourglass is draining quickly, but a few grains of sand still remain. Lucky for you, I am prepared and resolved to point them out for you, so that you may find peace in chili-induced pain. Our time here grows short, so let’s begin.
1. Know where to look for it.
You’ll find no salvation at major food stores frequented by those who probably found out about the Srirachalypse before you did. In fact, you may find no store at all depending on the mercilessness of your neighborhood mob. Instead, head to Chinatown or Flushing and find the oldest family-run grocer you can. Statistically, the elderly number fewer on the internet, so chances are good they won’t even know it has begun.
2. Be selfish.
Don’t let the holiday spirit blind you to the catastrophe at hand. Where there is selflessness, there is no Sriracha. Empty the shelves and be on the lookout for others in the store who you may be able to overpower. Sriracha is typically good for at least two years from its original purchase date, so you’ve no excuse to be nonviolent.
Trust me — there are no Sriracha Chicken Melts left. It is a lost cause, and in fact a dangerous one. If your local franchise owner hasn’t already left town, there is nothing you can do to help them. Showing yourself will only spawn needless suffering.
4. Do not share your Sriracha.
Do not share it with family, neighbors, or friends. Do not share it on Facebook or Twitter. At the risk of a screenshot, do not even share it on SnapChat. The people you once loved will turn on you if given the chance. You are alone in this world, and you’re better off that way.
5. Start ten minutes ago.
May we all weather this storm and find a better world on the other side. Or may we die trying.
